What gaining 12 pounds in 2 months can do to a Dietitian and Trainer

I gained 10 lbs in January.

Honestly, I don’t really weigh myself because I am particularly triggered by weight stuff and don’t believe it to be a great gauge of how physically well I am. However, I went to the Dr. office and the number “slipped out”. I wasn’t entirely surprised in the change (it was an indulgent winter..), but the amount was pretty shocking to me.

Now, before I go on, I want YOU to think about what YOUR thoughts are just by reading that. What are your judgments or sympathies? Just observe, and I’ll continue..

As someone that has a history of disordered eating thoughts and behaviors, yet is also around and researching food and nutrition ALL THE TIME -professionally and as a type 1 diabetic- it’s a bit of a struggle to balance my “give yourself full permission to eat what you want and listen to your body” and “knowing too much” about the health repercussions of eating certain ways- long-term, short-term, blood sugars, inflammation, etc. It makes trusting my body challenging since I also have so many pressures to look a certain way as a dietitian and trainer.

So, great, now I am heavier, what do I do? Get even MORE caught up in what I eat and how I move? The psychology around this is pretty interesting, as the more obsessed and preoccupied one is, the worse it can get …

I gained a few more in February.

Shit.

How? How does this happen? Wasn’t I doing everything right? I’m the professional in this field, how can I not have the answers to my OWN body?

Now, I know a few other variables that played a role, but mostly, I know that the mind-fuck that goes on with the damn aesthetic obsession of our bodies and what we look like is more often than not a major driver of eating in ways we actually don’t intuitively want to eat.

Basically, if there wasn’t GUILT around eating certain foods because of how we believe it will affect our looks and health, we want it more. We think about it more. We stress more. We obsess more.

How much time and energy do you spend CONSUMED about what your body looks like?

Its freaking exhausting. Not to mention wildly unproductive..

When you go out to eat, are you thinking about what foods will taste delicious, fuel you, and make you feel great at the same time or are you wondering how many calories are in that salad and how much exercise you’re going to have to do to “work it off”?

Why is getting rid of the tricep fat or a flat stomach so important? If it was only to get a mate, then wouldn’t we all stop thinking about it once we got in a relationship or married?

What does “having abs” REALLY mean about you or that person you’re judging for not having abs? Why the hell do you care if they don’t have a flat stomach? Does it mean they aren’t disciplined in some way? They don’t care about health or something?

Dialectical behavioral therapy has a skill called “check the facts” where you go through and actually dissect your thoughts and check to see if they are really true. I go through this with myself and with my clients often because there so often are SO many thoughts that just go through our head without us even realizing it and combating them when they aren’t true!

For example, I don’t have a six-pack. I’m not sure I ever will. Am I lazy? Do I not care about health? Do I not eat well?

No, no, no…

Louis C.K. has a bit called “of course…but maybe” and I feel like I see this with mentality around bodies/self-worth very often.  I know I have heard it a million times.. like OF COURSE… OF COURSE you are more than your looks, and that it’s what is inside that counts… but maybe… maybe… you just straight up don’t believe it still.

Eating well and intuitively is HARD. We have so many variables at play- stress, sleep, social norms, to name a few. The state of our gut microbiome is a HUGE one since it affects our hunger signaling, ability to absorb nutrients, cravings, hormones, and more… and not to mention our own emotional relationship with food that cloud are own understanding of hunger.

But, can we please start getting out of our own damn way and forget about trying to create this ridiculous idea of a body masterpiece and instead focus on healing our bodies through nutrition, movement, stress management, sleep optimization, and community and then just fall in love with ourselves as we are?

I’m exhausted. Aren’t you?

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